fuknukl

The conclusion is fairly inescapable now. Even I can see it, still somewhat unwillingly, but rationally I have known it for some time. How I managed to do this again, create my own little fairy tale and begin to believe, I really don’t quite fully understand. I could see it was going to happen again, I could see the signs that I now know very well. I could see the pattern set as my neurochemistry asserted its power over my body. I had no control over it, I didn’t want to control it, I wanted to believe it. This time I wanted to believe so so much. I still want to believe.

I live so much of my life in my own head. Lives really, I’ve been everywhere and done everything, I just close my eyes. It’s far too easy, too seductive, and the overlap into reality can become extremely blurred. It’s not that I can’t tell the difference, it seems to be that it just becomes so immersive, the emotion becomes so strong, it bleeds through into the real world. I can separate the events in the real world from imagined, but the emotions become one, and the chemical result overcomes any logic.

This time I surprised even myself with how quickly and hard I fell for her. She has occupied my thoughts since the moment I first met her. In the nine odd months since that first meeting, I can’t think of a day where I did not wonder about her, imagining some conversation or moment. So many seemingly significant moments, such synchronicity of events and lives. For a time I was so excited by the possibility of a real love, I could barely contain myself from one moment to the next. In the sad disappointment I feel now, it’s difficult to take myself back there now. I’ve spent so many months now trying so hard to suppress this raw need for the beautiful life I had seen. It truly did take my breath away, this imaginary life, it was so complete.

Even now, with the possibility seemingly more distant than ever, I struggle to contain this fantasy world. My mind rushes off on a dozen tangents, threads of images masquerading as memories. I’ve seen us working together, creating things, building things, things of beauty, of practicality, doing everything, doing nothing, travelling, staying home, happiness, sadness, talking, quiet companionship, children, family, growing old. Everything. It’s disorienting. And it’s has barely any relation to reality.

Writing this has brought such a surge of thought and emotion, I can’t really direct it into a coherent form. I can only write a few words before I become lost again, my sentences becoming garbled as I miss typing whole trains of thought, as my brain bounces from one image to the next. It has taken me hours just to write this short missive. I want to keep writing, with so much still I want to get out. It’s just so hard to arrange these thoughts into a readable form, as they are concepts and feelings I have been trying to crush and suppress for a subjective eternity.

I really wish I could talk to her about this, to help me understand why I can think these things, and to accept that she doesn’t. I can’t though, not through fear or inability, but because it feels so selfish. I can’t impose such a weight on her, it’s not her fault and it’s not her responsibility to resolve it. To place this extra burden on top of her current load is just something I could never do. The irony there is, perhaps if she did not have such heavy recent baggage, I’d like to think things might have been different. I just don’t know, and likely never will. She knows though, and it’s like the proverbial elephant in the room at times, when we catch up on the odd occasion.

There are nice moments though, when the elephant seems to disappear, and we talk like real friends, but he always comes back, and we put up our walls again. It’s strange, and I don’t understand it, why she keeps me at arms length. Not allowed any closer, but seemingly not allowed to leave either. Just wait over there. It’s confusing, and I can’t tell if it’s real or imagined, as I no longer trust my judgement with any thought regarding her. I seem to be wrong a lot. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t relax much when she’s around, because I can see her awareness of me, I know she’s wondering about the elephant, and she knows I am too. I sometimes become so distracted in thought, I can’t process our conversations. Especially when saying hello or goodbye it seems. I often can barely make a coherent greeting, or remember what she said in return.

She is such a beautiful, sweet, compassionate, intelligent girl. To me there seem to be so many different levels we can connect on, so many shared interests, so many new things about her that interest me, so many talents she has I would love to see and help evolve, so much beautiful potential to come. And she would make such a fantastic mother. Yet she doesn’t seem to see any of this connection I can feel so clearly. I would throw everything away for that. It’s almost like there is a one way mirror between us.

And so after this rambling, what is the inescapable conclusion alluded too in the first paragraph? The conclusion is that I can’t continue the way I have been. I can’t continue to surpress these emotions, while at the same time holding the hope of her changing her mind. If I knew she wanted me to wait, I would gladly, but I don’t know this. I can’t continue giving weight to my wishful thinking any more, my brain just seems broken in this regard, I have to rely on the only direct information I have from her. That was no thanks.

So this means what? Sadly I think it means disconnection. I have to stay away. I don’t really want to, I’m not sure I can, as I have tried before, but how else can I escape this infinite loop I’ve created? I can’t even pretend that possibly maybe in the future some time, as that just leads me back to the start…

Well, here I am again, home by myself for another New Years Eve. Just me and Season 3 of Dexter.

What can I say, I fit the profile.

I’ve been avoiding writing this new blog since I decided to start it. I haven’t wanted process the fact I’m repeating the same patterns over again. Very little has gone the way I’d hoped since moving back here, at least in the ways important to me. I’m not where I’d hoped to be at all, and the likelihood of things turning toward something good seem remote and painfully unlikely.

I’ve never understood how my mind works when it comes to falling for a girl? Ever since I can remember, all the way back to Primary School, I’ve fallen for girls who where not interested in me beyond a casual friendship. It’s happened a handful of times to me as an adult as well. Not many really, considering the time frame, but every girl I have ever wanted to spend my life with has not wanted the same. There have times been other girls, casual, within relationships, even living together, but it has never been more than happenstance or convenience. Never born of love.

Thinking about this now exposes a strikingly stark and painful fact. Not once in my life has a woman ever said to me, “I love you.” Never. It’s hard for me to believe that, but I think it must be true. I cannot bring to mind one time. All my life I have been so full of the need to love someone, be loved in return, it makes this tiny fact is almost surreal to me.

Why this is, whether it’s something I cause, or the girls I become attached too, I really don’t understand. Is it just bad luck? Bad timing, fate, punishment, hoax, cruel joke, random chance, or just my blind idiocy, I could not say? But I know the effect it has had on my mind and my life. It is difficult to think about, and far harder to put into words.

The effect of this sort of emotive history on potential future relationships is obviously great. It has become so much harder. Rejection is the norm. I can’t even begin to put this in a coherent form right now…

My oldest blog (before the word existed) would be over ten years old now. I wonder if it still exists anywhere? The earliest I could find in storage was this.

Ello?

Sunday, 26/8/2001 11:08 AM

Bloody. Seems I’m not dead after all. My html kung foo is very poor at the moment, terminal apathy I think. Basics only here till I get some inspiration…
So where have I been since I last had an ‘Internet Presence’? (dotcom billionaire jargon) Well, I’m not sure really, time just seemed to pass? It’s weird when a lot of big things happen to you and suddenly its two years latter. Feck!
Anyway, I’m almost in the clear and ready to start annoying the _fuck_ out of people again.

Strange to see it again. Those are the original colours. Most of it was topical, and if you change the names it wouldn’t look out of place in today’s news.

Lots of crap poeticism as well. Nothing changes.

Rejection is always a difficult thing to handle, even after I’ve had so much practice at it over the years. It hurts regardless of how gentle the turning away may be, perhaps all the worse for that, because I see a compassion which only seems to add to my esteem.

The reasons were untold, and I still don’t feel the right to ask. I can guess, but simple guesses rarely match a complex reality. It was not no, please stay away; it was no, but just stand over there awhile please. Am I being stored, for later use? I don’t know? I feel I’m in a limbo of sorts, and I’m not sure which way is out, up, or down? Could she change her mind? Has she? It’s this doubt which binds me.

I’ve tried to stay away, tried to look at other girls, to no avail. I am drawn back each time, drawn to an idea of something that seems impossible to isolate, something akin to a totality of being. It simply feels so right. When I allow myself, just for a moment, to look at what I feel, it immobilizes me. It takes such an effort to suppress it again. How can that be so one sided?

The idea that she will never see what could be, I can understand that, cope with that. It’s her life, she deserves be happy in this world. The idea that she might change her mind about me, and I missed that moment, this idea crushes me.

It is striking how deeply embedded some memories can be. Everything still so clear, still so immediate. It’s then, and it’s now. Such a brief contact after so many years, she appears, only to vanish again. Again, nothing resolved, no explanation, just a hammer to head, and gone.

Love is all about timing. It’s of no use at all to meet the perfect person too early, or too late…

I often feel like an anthropomorphous version of Schrodinger’s cat. Too many unfixed or unknown data points, too many in flux. You can’t act because you don’t know enough, but if you don’t act you may lose any chance. Excruciating.

It’s hard to just say nothing. Even when you know it would help, you also know it will be rejected outright. Sometimes the only thing you can do is smile.

The human capacity for self deception really seems limitless. My self included of course, as I generally class myself as human. Cognitive Dissonance is one of the more common forms of self delusion, and probably my own personal favorite. I do highly recommend it, to all and sundry, as a coping mechanism to counter the real world.