fuknukl

Rejection is always a difficult thing to handle, even after I’ve had so much practice at it over the years. It hurts regardless of how gentle the turning away may be, perhaps all the worse for that, because I see a compassion which only seems to add to my esteem.

The reasons were untold, and I still don’t feel the right to ask. I can guess, but simple guesses rarely match a complex reality. It was not no, please stay away; it was no, but just stand over there awhile please. Am I being stored, for later use? I don’t know? I feel I’m in a limbo of sorts, and I’m not sure which way is out, up, or down? Could she change her mind? Has she? It’s this doubt which binds me.

I’ve tried to stay away, tried to look at other girls, to no avail. I am drawn back each time, drawn to an idea of something that seems impossible to isolate, something akin to a totality of being. It simply feels so right. When I allow myself, just for a moment, to look at what I feel, it immobilizes me. It takes such an effort to suppress it again. How can that be so one sided?

The idea that she will never see what could be, I can understand that, cope with that. It’s her life, she deserves be happy in this world. The idea that she might change her mind about me, and I missed that moment, this idea crushes me.