fuknukl

I’ve been avoiding writing this new blog since I decided to start it. I haven’t wanted process the fact I’m repeating the same patterns over again. Very little has gone the way I’d hoped since moving back here, at least in the ways important to me. I’m not where I’d hoped to be at all, and the likelihood of things turning toward something good seem remote and painfully unlikely.

I’ve never understood how my mind works when it comes to falling for a girl? Ever since I can remember, all the way back to Primary School, I’ve fallen for girls who where not interested in me beyond a casual friendship. It’s happened a handful of times to me as an adult as well. Not many really, considering the time frame, but every girl I have ever wanted to spend my life with has not wanted the same. There have times been other girls, casual, within relationships, even living together, but it has never been more than happenstance or convenience. Never born of love.

Thinking about this now exposes a strikingly stark and painful fact. Not once in my life has a woman ever said to me, “I love you.” Never. It’s hard for me to believe that, but I think it must be true. I cannot bring to mind one time. All my life I have been so full of the need to love someone, be loved in return, it makes this tiny fact is almost surreal to me.

Why this is, whether it’s something I cause, or the girls I become attached too, I really don’t understand. Is it just bad luck? Bad timing, fate, punishment, hoax, cruel joke, random chance, or just my blind idiocy, I could not say? But I know the effect it has had on my mind and my life. It is difficult to think about, and far harder to put into words.

The effect of this sort of emotive history on potential future relationships is obviously great. It has become so much harder. Rejection is the norm. I can’t even begin to put this in a coherent form right now…